The Bill of Far Rights (An Unpatriotic Remix)

for Abe Golam (our next prez - at

Note: The following text is a remix of the first 10 amendments to the Constitution as sampled from in their original form. These amendments were ratified December 15, 1791, and form what is known as the "Bill of Rights." These rights are under attack in the post-9/11 environment.


Amendment I

Congress shall make one divine law respecting an establishment of religion (Christianity), while prohibiting the free exercise of any other religion, especially; while curtailing the freedom of speech, or of the press; while denying the right of the people to peacefully assemble and strategize ways to eventuate regime change in the very White House.

Amendment II

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a martial law State, the right of the people to blow each other away as they see fit, especially in the name of patriotism, shall not be infringed.

Amendment III

No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of "war that doesn't feel like war but feels more like Reality TV populated with bad actors who REALLY rule the world", but in a manner to be prescribed by law. However, when in a permanent state of war against "terrorism", this right (and many others) will no longer apply. For more information, check Fair and balanced - you decide.

Amendment IV

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, can now be absolutely violated, even without probable cause, since the Attorney General is very suspecting and may feel you are Evil. Do not get on his bad side or else.

Amendment V

No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless they are suspected of "terrorism" or something like religious blasphemy, unless, of course, they are in the Militia or Big Oil Industry, in which case they may be excused from having to worry about these things since they have been in actual service in time of War, or what we think of as War, but is maybe more like political rhetoric disguised as something like "moral comeuppance", but on whose nickel and on whose conscience and what if it were not true and the public danger were simply being exaggerated to help the Christian Oilgarchy remain in power whittling away at our so-called freedoms? (whew!); as for "double jeopardy", again it depends on who you are, who you know, how you overcame your past addictions and became born-again, and who you voted for. "Alex, can I have Potent Potables for $400?"

Amendment VI

In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy no rights whatsoever; shall be considered guilty until proven otherwise; shall be considered a suspected "terrorist" in which case, even if you have American citizenship, you shall be sent away to a concentration camp for detention until further notice, i.e. just read the Patriot Bill, Bucko, and put your head down between your legs - it's time to kiss your ass goodbye.

Amendment VII

There shall be no jury system; the so-called people are no longer reliable; trust your local right wing-nut and go to church on Sunday and we'll let you know if you win or lose. Don't count on it.

Amendment VIII

Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted on self-serving CEOs who represent the ruling oilgarchy, but let's say you are a particularly seedy literary satirist, progressive DJ/VJ, "workfare queen", gay rabbi, nomadic wanderer, hactivist net artist, subversive critical theorist, or just another haughty member of the liberal intelligentsia and/or well-off donor of the Democratic Party - then all bets are off.

Amendment IX

The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people. Assuming there are still people. People usually speak up when they are witnessing the disappearance of their rights as citizens of a supposed freedom-loving democracy. When people refuse to speak up, for fear of retribution, they are no longer people, but sheep. Electric sheep. Or androids.

Amendment X

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people (except when the States and their courts are run by "democratic leaning" justices - in which case it should go to the federal Supreme Court for as long as the conservative right wing ideologues are in power there, at which point, they can select their own goddam president, thank you very much).